I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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