I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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