I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I enjoy the company of your penis
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
