i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
