Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
