Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
