dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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