if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
