nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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