i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
