Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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