my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
