So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
honey bunches of taint.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
