Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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