God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
