Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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