apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
