Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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