Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He passed out mid-signature
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
