You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
