These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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