I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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