Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
