i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
