he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
