My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize