Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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