It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
