I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got chris browned last night
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
