He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
