I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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