me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
