Don't you send me to vm
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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