he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
