similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
