we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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