My first STD was from a foam party
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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