There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
