fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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