Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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