it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he thought i was a dude.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
