He is such a slut. More and more my type.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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