He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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