All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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