Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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