i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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