The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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