Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
