...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
