apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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