.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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