I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
