Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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