My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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