my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
