your parents love me but you hate me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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