im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
