it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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