So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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