smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize