so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
love makes seman taste better
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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