talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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