Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My bed smells like the plague
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
