I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
