i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
